I am now less than 24 hours away from starting my new job and I don't think I will be able to sleep very soundly tonight. I had problems sleeping soundly last night, suddenly woke up at 1.30am and kept thinking about the new job.
For the past few weeks, I have been so distracted by my all the issues from my ongoing projects that I wasn't able to properly process that I am actually leaving my current company very soon, but when I had that few hours of clarity a few days back, it just gave me some time to really overthink about the new job and it was really really bad, because that's just how my mind works, I start coming up with all this worst case scenarios in my head of things going wrong.
The position I had applied for is an Interior Stylist, I later come to find out that there is another position called the Assistant Interior Stylist, whose job is to assist the Stylist, which would be me I guess. This means that I will be expected to know how to style a space from the get go, and won't be given the benefit of the doubt because "I am still new and need to go through some training". Not to say I can't style a space, given the right array of accessories to choose from, I do believe I have the capabilities to do that, but it would be nice for my employers to have a lower expectation of me first so the impressing can come much easier.
During the past few days, I have also been entertaining the thought of just backing out from the position altogether and look for another Interior Designer position, that would take maybe a month for me to find, and I could complete my ongoing projects by then, or even if it does drag out, the new Interior Design Firm will definitely understand and allow me to complete those projects while simultaneously give me new leads from their company. Plus, I already have the relevant skills and knowledge for that position, so I know for sure the expectations the ID firm has of me will already be met to a certain extent.
One of my biggest gripe with my new job would have to be the working hours for sure. The daily grind that I hated when I was working at ID1, ID2, ID3 and at the bakery, just the idea of ending work today and then knowing I have to wake up early the next day to go back to work again, for 5 days straight. I won't be able to find myself at home, occasionally laying on the bed and looking through TikTok in the middle of the afternoon anymore, or spend hours watching Youtube, while anxiously waiting for messages or voice memos from my disgruntled clients and sub-cons, complaining about why this is done that way and why that is done this way.
I really need to remember the reasons why I quit my current job in the first place, so as a refresher for myself, here they are...
1. Unstable Income/Declining Savings
The pay isn't great. Partly because I choose my projects, but the main issue is that the amount of money I do earn up earning from all these projects isn't reflective of the amount of work and effort that goes into managing these projects. I haven't had a steady income since I left my Dad's company 5 years ago, that was the very last time I was drawing a stable salary and during that time, even though I was concern about my career, I was at least very stable financially, I could go splurge on a new electronic device and know that 1 month later, I be able to recuperate my spending.
When I went to New York 2 years ago, that trip took a huge toll on my savings, even though the trip was heavily sponsored by my Sister, my savings barely recovered, and then I got a new computer, which also ended up taking out a huge chunk of money.
But my biggest worry is when I have to pay for medical expenses, be it for my dental issues or some illness that will require a hospital stay, that will incur a huge bill and that is money that will have to be spend, and it could snowball from $200 per visit (like redoing my dental fillings) all the way to $1200 per trip (for molar crowning), and for someone who only earns an average of $1000 per month, those bills hit like a truck.
I don't have an emergency fund or a rainy day fund, I just have what I have, and it's the lack of a steady stream of income that makes it so dangerous. How I used to determine those funds in the past is that I will need to have at least $30,000 worth of savings, that amount should not drop and it should only be used during an emergency, a.k.a, my emergency fund. But ever since I started working as an Interior Designer, that fund has gone through a steady decline and it is now not even remotely close to that $30,000 mark anymore, which is insane to me, that I would let it fall that far down the past 4 years.
If I continue doing what I am doing, I will definitely not be able to afford my own apartment when I hit 35, in fact, I probably won't be able to afford it when I am 35 even with this new job, it just doesn't sound very plausible for me to be able to save that much to afford my own apartment in 4 years because all that "savings" I had 5 years ago, they are all gone and I will essentially have to do a restart.
I am sure friends my age, who have gotten a job after they graduated and stuck to that job or have consistently found new jobs that pays decently, have very like already amassed enough savings to afford their own apartment. I will always wonder, how much savings I would have had if I didn't quit working for my Dad, maybe somewhere between $70,000 - $100,000. But I am glad I did because it was not a realistic career option for my undisciplined lazy ass.
2. Flexible Working Hours, (The bad side of it)
I will admit, a flexible working hour is a huge perk because I don't have to report to the office everyday and work on the computer from 9am to 6pm, I can report to work late and use "being at site" as an excuse, I can go to the shopping mall across my Showroom to get food and drink anytime I want, I can even leave early if I have something on and my colleagues would be more than happy to oblige most of the time.
But I also have to be available anytime to meet my clients, I don't get a day where I will be free from work related messages or calls, the only time I am really free from those is when I don't have any projects to work on, and that isn't a good thing because that equates to no incoming commission months down the line.
When I go back for reservist, I will very likely get bombarded with work related messages and voice memos, and because I overthink, those messages will eat at me for the entire duration of my stay in camp, it generates a lot of anxiety, so I will have almost no appetite for food and I will have difficulty falling asleep ,which brings me to the next point...
3. Constant State of Stress.
Being stressed out is part and parcel of a job, but there are different levels of stress that comes with every job. When I was working at the bakery, the only thing I was stressing about then was anticipating how many customized order of cakes and cupcakes I will have to bake the coming week and how many of those cake orders are for rainbow cakes, that was pretty much the extent of my stress, the rest of it was just a sense of disdain for the 6 day work week cycle.
When I am working on a renovation project however, every single work scope can be stress inducing. There are so many things to take note of and missing even the smallest detail can result in mayhem at the end of the renovation.
When I do not have any projects however, I get stressed out because that equates to zero income. Usually when I am freshly done with my projects, I will welcome a project-free lifestyle for that first few weeks, that is always the best period during this job and it's usually during this period that I will think to myself...
... because it's also when I am going to start seeing my commission. but once the commission has been received or enough time has passed, the realization that no projects equates to no income will kick in. I will then also forget all the stress that the last batch of project put me through, so I will start looking for new ones and naively think that I will just avoid making the same mistakes I made from my past project and this new ones will be much easier to deal with, but that's not usually the case because new projects will always have new problems.
So the deal with this job is that it's never about learning from your past mistakes, it's always about dealing with new ones in this line of work, and if the client is a nightmare, no amount of "learning from your past mistakes" will help because you can't control human nature, if they are unreasonable, they will be unreasonable and it will be 3 to 4 months of unreasonable behavior that I will have to deal with if I stupidly agree to take on their project.
I really need this to become my reminder, if the new job isn't what I expected and I start missing my current job (which is now technically my old job), I just need to read through this post again.
- Update 10.43pm-
About to go to sleep now, when I wake up tomorrow, it will be to prepare myself for the new job. I don't really know how to pronounce my Manager's name though, so that's not going to be a great start. Oh, and I will also get to finally see whether the environment is going to be as hostile as the Team Manager told me when I went for the second round of interview, we'll see.
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