I woke this morning feeling not so great, looking at the days ahead of me just felt really bleak, like there was nothing but an endless repeat of the same thing, so the mood was pretty terrible.
Headed into the office and tried to get work done, but really didn't have any mood or motivation to do anything, so after barely updating the drawings, I found myself just surfing the internet and watching some videos that I really had no interest in, I needed sound because the office was so quiet, there was no one but me and that silence was deafening, it made me think about a lot of things, which made me really depress.
Didn't have too much of an appetite, so I ended up getting 2 sandwiches from the nearby foodcourt and a madeleine before I went to attend a job interview that a recruitment agency had set up for me.
The role was for an Events and Exhibition Designer, which I thought sounded like a fun job that I could tackle, because I am beginning to get tired of doing Interior Design, but as I was talking to the interviewer, who was the boss of that company, he was asking me a bunch of questions related to my software skills and I slowly started to realize I was definitely not the right person for the job.
Instead of asking about skills that I am strong at, which is SketchUp, he was asking me about Photoshop, which I know how to use, but only at the base level, then he started asking about my graphic design skills, which I have none of. The talk about how the job will be very different from what I am doing was also definitely something that made me lose interest in the role immediately, such as the expectation to churn out drawings within 2-3 days when I will usually take 1 - 2 weeks as an Interior Designer, I honestly just wanted to end the interview mid-way through because I knew right then that I was not an ideal candidate and didn't want to waste the guy's time anymore, but we sort of powered through it and by the end, he asked me if I had any questions, to which I just told him I didn't, which should be pretty clear that I am really not interested in the role anymore.
It was nice to have imagined I could have switched to a different company and be surrounded with more colleagues and command a slightly higher pay, but I think expectation definitely didn't match reality, now I really have nothing much to look forward to anymore.
Once the meeting was over, I was once again reminded of how alone I was in the office, there was no one else there, it was just me, the sound of the air-conditioner running, and construction noise from outside. I just sat there, on my desk and started feeling really empty, I really had zero motivation to do anything, so I got up and started pacing around the office and was actively just talking to myself out loud, my boss texted me at one point and ask me how I was holding up, because he knew I had visited the doctor over the weekend for anti-depressant pills, so I told him I probably needed to go take a walk because I wasn't doing too well mentally, to which he agreed and urged me to.
I stepped out of the office, and I remember it was drizzling,, I headed over to the mall nearby because I really needed to be surrounded by people, and when I headed in and heard all the sounds of life, children playing, customers chatting, people walking around, the sound of movie trailers playing from the large TV in the atrium, I just immediately felt better, it's like all that noise just started filled up and drowned out this deafening silence in my head.
I did more walking, visited some shops to get some essential items I needed, and then got myself a drink from coffee bean and just chilled at the cafe and started people watching, all that noise just made me feel sane, I had planned to just zone out at the cafe for an hour before heading back to the office, but after about 30 minutes, I think I had enough zoning and went back, I was in a much better headspace after that.
Texted a friend and asked if he was free and would like to meet for dinner, he was down for it, so I ended up meeting him over an ION Orchard, whilst I was there, I decided to pop by the old furniture store I had worked at and I found my ex-colleague on duty today, caught up with him and kinda walked around the showroom to see how everything looked, it was pretty nice and I felt really energized after that, I will be meeting him again next week with my ex-Manager for a meal, so that's something to look forward to.
My friend arrives like 10 minutes later and we headed to get our dinner.
Had a really good catch up over a meal at Itacho Sushi, shared with him about what has been happening with me, opened up about some things I hadn't really shared with others before and because he had similar experiences with me, it was pretty helpful, there was no judgement, it was just listening and offering advise, but not shoving those advice down my throat and I think just the fact that I was able to open up and have a conversation where I don't have to lie about certain things, it just felt freeing.
It was a really great catch up and definitely something I had needed, catching up with people I have known for a long time and talking to them is very different from talking to ones that I have matched on a dating app, these long time ones feels more consistent because I have known them organically in real life and stayed friends throughout the years, the ones from those dating apps are not, and my mistake was putting too much reliance on the connections I had made on the dating app for my socializing needs, aka that friend that I had met 2 weekends ago to help with his home furniture layout.
He has decided to just stop replying to my messages since last Thursday when I really needed it the most, I have a feeling he has since archived my chat or something because not only are my last few messages not replied to, they have not even been read, and I have been sending some over the weekend to try and illicit a respond, all the same, not even read, meaning he didn't even bother opening the chat. Tried reaching out on Instagram by replying to some of his stories that involved him working on his home because I was the one who helped him with the furniture layout after all, also did not bother to reply to me as well.
To be fair to him, I have only really known him for a few weeks, and I was texting him a lot of during those few weeks, like 10 messages back and forth on the daily, and they are like pretty chunky text messages of just random stuff because I really needed to keep my head distracted, and those chats did help, so for it to suddenly stop honestly does not surprise me because I have been sapping his energy to refuel myself. Do hope he hasn't decided to completely cut me out because I really could use more friends in my life.
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