My grandfather's funeral had been going on for the past 4 days and I only attended the funeral on the first and last day due to work commitments.
Unlike most funerals, no one was really crying at my Grandfather's funeral, it felt more like a catch up session for my Aunties and Uncles, who were all having light hearted conversations with one another.
I wasn't able to attend on the 2nd and 3rd day due to work commitments, but I adjusted my schedule on the fourth day to make sure I could at least attend the funeral procession, unfortunately, due to work related issues, I was distracted and wasn't 100% there mentally, I also kept thinking to myself...
"Quickly be done so I can get back to work and sort out all the issues that is currently stressing me out."
... and as I was thinking about this, I was staring at my Grandfather's portrait in front of his casket, feeling guilty that I was actually thinking about work more than I was thinking about him.
I am not the type that can think of other things when work is stressing me out, so that guilt quickly went away and I started thinking about work again.
Throughout the entire procession, I didn't feel a great deal of sadness, we had a quick service at the Columbarium, followed by our last look at him as we each place a stalk of flower on his coffin to say our last goodbyes.
The team at the columbarium were giving out tissue papers but no one was crying, so my Aunties and my Grandma just took it out of courtesy and just tucked it away.
Everyone was then lead to the furnace and it was only when his casket was slowly being pulled into the furnace did my Aunties and Grandma started breaking down, I also started to feel a slight lump in my throat, but after that, everything went back to normal, we all gathered at the entrance and then made our way back.
The moment I got home, I started settling all my work issues, calling all the contractors to try and solve the problem, went to meet another on site, and when I have finally managed to sort my work stuff out, it is still in a mess, but at least it's a more hopeful one, I finally had time to just sit down and process what had actually happened, so I started thinking about my Grandfather.
During the wake, whilst I was busy with work stuff, the grandfather I remembered was the unpleasant man who had a bad temper and who takes out his temper on the myriad of helpers that my Mum has hired and fired for various reason, I remembered him as the unpleasant individual that he was towards others, the man who liked to bragged and tell tall tales, who likes to complaint a lot because in my mind, that was who he was to me in the forefront.
But I didn't think about who he was towards his grandchildren, towards me and my siblings. He wasn't nasty towards us, sure he might have been a bit impatient sometimes, but he was ultimately a doting grandparent who would buy us candies and chocolates every time he came back from work when I was very young.
When I think about how his face would light up every time my family went to visit him at my Aunt's place after he moved out from my place, how he would slowly push himself out of his room, while still sitting on his chair with wheels and then just sit across from us, content that he is being visited by his Grandkids, even though we were not actively holding conversations with him, I started to break down because it was just so sad to realize how lonely he must have been even prior to his hospitalization, constantly alone in the house when my Aunt goes to work.
Back when he was living with my family, there would at least be us outside his room, watching TV or doing whatever we do, so it was never really quiet even though he was in his room most of the time, but at my Aunt's place, he was alone most of the time, there was no one outside his room, even of he went out, it was just him until my Aunt comes home.
I was surprised at how much I started crying because I was completely fine during the entirety of his wake, even when my Dad broke the news and told the family that he had passed on, I didn't feel that much sadness, but now the wake is over and his remains have been cremated, the realization that he is actually gone just hit me.
When I think of my Grandfather now, I don't think of the sickly state he was in for the past 1 year, I think of him as he was when he was living in my Aunt's place, not in the best shape but so much healthier, and looked like he would still have a few more years to live. So when I think about him now, it's just surreal that he is no longer around.
I might have said this in the previous post about my Grandfather, but this time round, it is with delayed grief and sadness.
Rest In Peace, Ah Gong
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