Post is written on 14/5/2025, publishing it as an earlier date to keep in hidden as part of my personal journal entry.
I like girls and guys, and at the present moment, I am more interested in the latter.
Now that that is out of the way, let's move on with the post!
I am typing this first portion of this post at 10am in the Morning
The day after the Date (Wednesday)
I have developed a crush on this guy I met through Hinge 3 weeks ago, 27th April, and we had finally met up for dinner last night.
Over the past 3 weeks before this, I have been talking to him through Telegram and we were able to hit it off really well at first, but then by the 2nd and 3rd week, his response rate started to drop, so I had assumed his interest in me did as well, but I was really interested and wanted to meet him in person at least once, so I had initiated a meet up on Vesak Day and told him I was free if he wanted to grab a meal together and just hang out, he agreed, but then cancelled last minute, however, he did reschedule to "tomorrow after work" and so we agreed to have dinner together last night.
I have been on multiple dates before and this was probably one of the most difficult one to set up because of how unserious he was about it, he didn’t give me straight answers as to where he wanted to meet and at what time. I was offering a bunch of suggestion, all of which he didn't bother to acknowledge, much less confirm, and would just leave it hanging, so I had no choice but to just wait it out on that very day we were suppose to meet.
The waiting game was horrible to say the least because by 4pm, he still hadn't updated me on where we were going to meet, work ends for me at 6.30pm, so at 4pm, I was already mentally preparing myself for a last minute cancellation on his end, or to simply be ghosted, I decided then to drop him a text to clarify...
“Are we really meeting up today? It seems like nothing has been firmed up yet? If we are not then I am going to head home right after work.”
... he doesn't respond until an hour later as I was about to leave the office (since I had hours I could claim from working on Saturday), he apologized and said he got caught up with work, asked me where my office was, and I thought he was going to come pick me up, so I told him I was working around the Balestier area, to which he followed that up with...
"Is IKEA nearby? I need to go there grab some stuff."
... he legitimately had to go IKEA to grab some stuff for work the next day, I told him we could meet at IKEA instead, he agreed and I asked him what time he was able to reach, he told me "Now", so I left the office quickly, went to grab a bus over, I texted him on the bus when I realize it was going to take 30 minutes longer than I thought, so I needed an hour to get there, I asked him if he was actually already at IKEA because I was worried he will end up having to wait for too long, and he went...
"No, I have to work.
Okay good."
... I almost considered taking a Grab over to IKEA because he had "jokingly" told me he could reach IKEA "now" when I asked him how long he needed. I went to grab a bus over and he didn't bother telling me he had been joking and was really still in the office working I would have been really upset if someone else did this to me, but instead, I just felt relieve that he didn't have to wait for me because I was a simp.
I managed to reach IKEA at around 6.30pm and started walking around, I texted him that I had arrived, and that he could send me the list of items he was looking for and I could just help him look for them first while he makes his way over, again, no reply until he actually arrives 15-20 minutes later.
We finally met at the Toilet Section of IKEA and it honestly felt really good to finally see him in person, he looked a little different from his Profile Photo, he had lost his muscular built and gained some weight, I found out later that the photos he had used for his Profile Picture was 5 years old, he was now on the skinny fat side, which I should have expected because he eats a lot of junk food, that being said, he still looked good, his skin was exceptionally clear and one thing I have noticed is every time I meet someone from Hinge in real life, they ALWAYS look better in person.
He referred to himself as a dweeb in his Hinge profile, which I thought was ridiculous when I saw his Instagram page at first because he came across as someone who looked like he had a lot of friends and was very well travelled, I mean there was a photo of him throwing himself this massive birthday party where he had invited at least 30 - 40 of his friends over, a dweeb would not have a large enough of a social circle to pull that off, but it was only when he started talking did I realize there was an awkwardness about him that was quite endearing, his personality is a lot mellower than I had expected, which threw me off a little. He had the same bad habit as me, which was the tendency to swallow his words every time he spoke, so it was a bit hard to catch everything he was trying to say.
We exchanged a quick hello and he proceeded to scour through IKEA to look for the stuff he needed. This guy was pretty much speed walking through the entire store and did not bother to wait for me, I am a pretty fast walker myself, so the fact that I was lagging behind was a testament to how quick he was just zooming through the store, at one point, he almost ran into this lady, did not apologize and we could hear the lady complaining out loud...
"He ran into me and didn't even apologize."
... he started complaining under his breath as we walked further away, saying she was the one who was in his way, she should be the one to apologize, it was honestly a very "red flag" moment, and if I were to very objective, he had a lot of red flags, but I was looking at him at that moment through rose coloured lenses, so I just tuck those flags away at the back of my mind.
He was really jittery and kept getting distracted when he saw something, it almost looked like he had some form of ADHD, he was constantly dropping things as well, every IKEA items that he was holding on to (mainly desk organizers) had probably been dropped at least once at one point during his brisk walking session through the store, and he dropped his phone maybe a total of 3 times during that meet up.
When he was finally done with his errands at IKEA, we headed over to Anchorpoint to have our dinner, it was around 7.45pm at that point and we had been at IKEA for almost an hour. I hadn't had a proper lunch in the afternoon because I didn't have any appetite, there was just this weight on my shoulder the entire day because I was literally stressing out wondering if we were actually going to meet up today whilst I was in the office due to a lack of update on his part, I mean this is like a HUGE RED FLAG for me because I need to plan my route in advance, I do not like the spontaneity of knowing we have a meet up in advance, but then have none of the actual details that matters.
Your expectation of how someone should act as a considerate individual just drops tremendously through those rose coloured lenses, he could pick a cat up to skin it alive and I would probably just blame the cat for being there.
I looked through the Anchorpoint website to see what we could have and he recommended Ma Maison, I was open to it, so we headed over and thankfully, because it was close to 8pm at that point, the restaurant was relatively quiet. We then spend that time just chatting with each other, it was nice, and the banter that we had online translated really well offline, so we were just throwing jabs at each other most of the time. The meal itself was actually also pretty good, we shared a squid ink pasta and some omu-rice dish, and once the meal was over, we continued chatting a bit more, he grabbed some Japanese cream puff out from his bag and started chomping down on it, but not before passing me an extra one that he had, I kept it in my bag. After he was done with his food, we decided to to call it a night.
We went dutch so the bill was an equal split between us.
After the meal, we both called our own cabs and then headed our separate ways.
When I was in the cab, I dropped him a courtesy text and told him that it was nice to finally meet him, he didn’t reply to my messages immediately until I got home and then expressed the same sentiment, he told me he had fallen asleep in the taxi thus the delayed response, but that it was nice to meet me as well, his text felt different though, he was always really sassy in his replies, but this one felt so normal, and I don't mean normal and genuine, it was more like disinterested, like he couldn't really be bothered to put any effort with banter anymore, so I send a text back and half jokingly told him that he had better invite me out for a second meal.
He had initially been typing, but then suddenly stopped and just left that message on read.
So that's how the first meet up ended. On a cliffhanger. I was still feeling very fulfilled that night that lasted all the way through to this morning, because we had finally met, it felt like a huge achievement to me, but then when I went to work, the sense of longing came back and I was suddenly craving for his attention again, like a simple good morning text from him, it was like I was on some going through kind of withdrawal.
(Wed) 1 Day later : 14/5/25 - 4pm
I got some bread for lunch and started feeling better, I was able to get over him and am happy my emotions were more stabilized.
The afternoon gave me some clarity over the entire situation and I am pretty sure I am wayyyy more interested in him than he is of me, which is very evident from...
How he approached the idea of meet up.
-Did not fix a time after trying to confirm with him three times over a span of 2 days
-Did not fix a location after trying to confirm with him three times over a span of 2 days
When we were at IKEA
- Did not bother to match my pace and just kept walking steps ahead of me.
And then just in general
-Takes way too long to reply to my messages, and by that I mean it could be half a day, or up to a full day later, even though I will reply to his within the hour. And when he replies back to me, it's like nothing substantial.
- No follow up to my last message about inviting me out for a 2nd meal.
- It felt like he only made dinner plans with me because he needed to go to IKEA to get his stuff. When I have dinner plans with anyone on Hinge, the main goal IS the dinner date, but with this particular dinner date, the main goal is him getting stuff from IKEA and the dinner date felt more like an afterthought. We spend more time at IKEA than at the restaurant.
I actually texted him in the morning to let him know I was in the middle of eating the pastry he gave me yesterday and that it was really good, to try and get some response, there was none.
This fact that I am constantly checking my Telegram to see if he has responded, only to realize he hasn't is extremely draining, so I ended up deleting the Telegram chat on my side because I didn't want to think about it anymore, he still has access to our chat on his side, so if he wants to reply to my messages, he can still do it, but I am not planning to reach out anymore until he does.
(Wed) 1 Day later : 14/5/25 - 7.30pm
I felt the wave of sadness slowly creeping back in as I was packing my bag and about to leave the office this evening.
I regretted deleting the Telegram chat, but I can't restore it anymore. Now I have lost all our messages, the only solace I have right now is when I deleted the chat, I only deleted if from my side, I didn't do the stupid thing and deleted the chat for both of us because I have done it before with someone else and I ended up regretting it for months. (Did eventually reach out to that person to apologize a few weeks back and now we are in contact again, so I am very happy with that)
I am actually feeling extremely emotional over this and it is getting ridiculous! I barely know the fucking guy, why the fuck am I getting so sad over it! All the other dates that I have been on with other people, even though I may not have vibe as much with them, they were at least a lot more considerate than him when it comes to respecting my time!
I need to get my fucking shit together and just focus on all the negatives of this guy because he is really fucking up my mood.
My 5 stages of grief is clearly all over the fucking place right now.
-----
(Thurs) 2 Days later : 15/5/25 - 7.00am
He finally texted back at midnight replying to that morning message. I got up at 2am out of the blue, and saw that I had received messages from him on Telegram, honestly didn't know if I was suppose to feel happy or upset.
He apologized for the late reply, told me he was tired and had a very busy day at work.
To have just left me on read for the entire day yesterday hit me really really hard because it was literally the day after we had met up in real life for the first time, I really thought he had lost interest and ghosted me, the wave of sadness that I felt in the evening was probably at it's peak, I was contemplating if I should maybe just cry it out to feel better but it just felt way too dramatic, I mean I feel sad, but I'm not sad enough to actually be able to cry.
I really didn't like the feelings I felt and I really don't want to go through it again, so I didn't reply the message immediately and just went back to sleep.
When I finally woke up to get ready for work this morning, I thought hard about what I should reply with and I decided to just be rational, so I told him it was alright (even though it really wasn't because I got a whole mental breakdown from being a needy psycho yesterday), that he should have a good rest and we can chat again when he is free.
Keep my tone neutral, control my emotions and keep the conversation open. If he is still keen to chat, he will, if he isn't, then he won't, if he needs time, then I have acknowledge through that message that he can reach out to me when he is free.
(Thurs) 2 Days later : 15/5/25 : 4.50pm.
He texted back and explained that his work is a lot to handle, so he is more active chatting in the morning before work.
I mean I guess, but that doesn't really explain why he is also slow at responding on the weekends when he is not busy working. I have a feeling he actually mutes his Telegram, so he doesn't get any notifications when I text him and will only reply back when he decides to opens the app to check, which he clearly also doesn't do often as well.
Oh wells. We have since resume chatting... but I am keeping my hopes very very low and will not be expecting anything more than sporadic replies from him. And I mean replies because he hasn't been initiating conversation.
What's ironic is I am actually similar to how he is acting now, in that I hardly ever initiate conversation with friends , and I am now criticizing him for pulling that on me...
... I always felt like I might be an extremely toxic individual to date, but this has just prove I would actually be a complete fucking psycho, especially once the honeymoon/infatuation phase is over and my patience start to wane, and in this case, it definitely will with this guy because even during the honeymoon phase, I can already see the red flags about him, those will become a blindingly bright neon red once the rose coloured lenses are off.
I was very tempted to just confess my feelings and see how it goes, for him to just give me a straight answer so the both of us can move on, but the longer I sat on that idea and just observed how everything is playing out, I feel like it is pretty obvious he just isn't interested, if he is feeling the same things that I am, or even an ounce of it, we would be texting each other a lot right now and making plans for a second meet up, but the fact that there is just a lack of initiation on his part is proof that this is very one sided.
Maybe I should start matching with girls on the app instead and see how those dates will go.
(Fri) 3 Days later : 16/5/25 : 12.00pm
He told me he was chattier in the morning, so I had contemplated sending him a good morning text earlier today to try and start a conversation. I had typed something out and I hovered over the send button for a while, ultimately deciding I really shouldn't and just deleted the text message altogether.
I need to put a stop to this addiction for his attention because I need to let this feelings for him die out completely.
He has stopped initiating for a while now, and I am talking about way before we first met up, after we met up, it has only gotten worst, he still replies within 24 hours but I have been the one who initiates and he just gives me the very bare minimum, I can text him as much as I want every morning, but he is just going to stay uninterested and the only thing that will happen is he will eventually get annoyed and stop replying altogether out of fatigue.
My plan now is to just ride these feelings out, let it clear out of my system.
(Fri) 3 Days later : 16/5 /25 : 8.30pm
I have somehow managed to convince myself through this constantly updating post that pursuing anything further would be detrimental in the long run because we honestly have no similar interest aside from sharing a similar sense of humor, once the butterflies go away and the rose coloured glasses comes off, all I will get is someone I probably do not really want to be in a relationship with.
When I think of a potential long term partner, there is someone else that I have met through the app that comes to mind, let's call this person Felix.
Felix and I had met in person last year at his place while his parents were away on a holiday and at that time, I wasn't very attracted to him physically, so I pushed away any advances that he was making. I didn't know what I wanted then because if I wasn't attracted to him physically, would pursuing a relationship even work?
I think he was also confused with what I wanted because after that, my messages to him were a bit more disinterested (he felt like there was a shift in the way our conversation was going), but I still made sure to reply and keep the conversation going out of courtesy, so he actually ghosted me first and stopped replying to our Telegram conversation, I was keeping track of the chat, my latest replies to him were only read 2 days later and after a whole week silence from him, I unmatched with him on Hinge, deleted our Telegram chat for both of us, proceeded to unfollow him on Instagram, removed him from my Follower List and then made my account private, all out of spite.
I was truly ballistic and of course, I felt really really guilty doing that and I would occasionally think about him and how unfair I was to have done what I did.
A few weeks ago, I decided to reach out to him on Instagram to apologize. I wasn't expecting any replies, but I just felt like I really needed to apologize, and he actually replied! He was so sweet about it and we have since resumed communication with one another.
When I think of this current match that I am having a crush on and compare him to the other one I ghosted, they are honestly just world's apart and it's really such a wake up call for me! I really want to give Felix another chance, especially after what is going on right now, but I also really don't think I can do it it unless he is the one who initiates it, it's just unfair to him to be treated like this.
(Sat) 4 Days later : 17/5/2025 : 8:30am
It has been more than 24 hours since our last text to one another.
The feelings have significantly reduced and even though I still get a bit bumped out that there are no more new messages between us, the feeling stems more from that fact that I am just really really bored and would have liked to continue texting one another as friends, which I won't because the feelings are not completely gone and texting him right now will probably just reopen the pandora box.
Well, I'm glad I was able to get over this relatively quickly, as long as he continues to do what he does best and don't initiate any conversation with me over the weekend.
(Sat) 4 Days later : 17/5/2025 : 6:30pm
The boredom really kicked into high gear earlier this afternoon and I really needed a distraction because I started to feel sadder and sadder, and it's not because of him, but because of how horrible these whole online dating experience has been.
So I had texted Felix to check if he needed company today because I was available, sadly, I believe Felix has now made it a habit to only check and reply to my messages very sporadically and I was thus left hanging. I honestly don't blame him though because if someone did to me what I had done to him, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of replying to them if they reach out again months later.
I ended up spending the entire Saturday at home at the mercy of my own thoughts, I would like to think I have moved on from the other guy somewhat, now it's just about grappling with the fact that I am probably never ever gonna find a suitable partner.
(Sat) 4 Days later 17/5/2025 : 9:30pm
I went to look at his Instagram Profile and started scrolling through his photos. I didn't even open Instagram to look for his profile, I was accessing it for something else but then his Profile was there, so I just clicked on it and...
FUCK!
That was a bad thing to do.
(Sun) 5 Days later 18/5/2025 : 10:00am
I have made the decision to mute his Instagram Stories and Post from appearing on my feed because his stories showed up earlier this morning and it was a bit triggering. The story wasn't even about anything he was doing, he had just reshared another Instagram post about something random and I got an emotional trigger from it.
(Sun) 5 Days later 18/5/2025 : 5.50pm
I don't know if I have done the right thing, but I just send him a text to share my observation about his waning interest in me.
Closure is what I really need right now because this sense of forlorn that keeps coming and going everyday is becoming a bit of a pain to deal with, I kept thinking of all the "What if" scenarios and the only way for me to properly stop all this fantasizing is by having him reject me officially. I hope that by expressing those thoughts to him, we can at least find a common ground as to where we would like our relationship to stand.
I have essentially send him a message friend-zoning myself.
I told him I could sense his waning interest.
I would still like to keep in touch as friends because I really do enjoy our banter together.
We should hang out again, but as friends, so we will have zero expectations of one another.
I think now that I have wrote that to him and also had so much time to process it, it has just further reinforced what I have felt earlier, that he is really not an ideal dating partner for me, especially when I compare him to Felix, who is just so much more thoughtful of an individual. I won't be pining for Felix though because I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment, now the plan is to fully get over this current guy and I think I will know I am over him once I can see his Instagram pictures without getting the sense of forlorn.
(Monday) 6 Days later 19/5/2025 : 9.00pm
He actually texted me back and told me he will message me at night, even apologized for being a bad texter.
I don't know what to feel now because I think I have really started to move on and I think what I had really wanted to hear from him was that we could just stay friends.
(Tuesday) 7 Days later 20/5/2025 : 8.05am
He wasn't lying when he said he was a bad texter because he didn't message me last night.
I do think he probably is just too preoccupied with work to have anytime to chat, and when he gets home, he probably just wants to switch off completely.
I would have felt really bad if he felt the need to text me despite his busy schedule, so him not texting last night is a relief to me, and honestly, I am not sure what we would talk about. I mean there really isn't much to clarify at this point, I have now slowly started to get over him and am in the process of moving on. I just don't see us being able to develop into anything more than just being friends at the present moment just because I honestly do not know that much about him on a personal level.
But we shall see how this develop and if he will actually text me back this week.
I am probably also going to just delete the dating app moving forward because the last few dates have brought me nothing but anxiety and depression.
(Wednesday) 8 Days later 21/5/2025 : 4.30pm
He actually reached out this morning and made the effort to have a conversation with me.
It was nice and I feel like we were having a proper conversation, but he has since gotten quiet again due to work, which is honestly fine with me because I have slowly started getting over him, the infatuation phase is beginning to come to an end and I am no longer glued to my Telegram hoping for his messages anymore.
I honestly don't know where this will progress because now that the infatuation is over, the idea of trying to converse with someone I barely know over an extended period of time feels a bit tiresome, and the thought of having to find topics to talk about feels like a chore. I get why he isn't so responsive back then because he wasn't obsessed with me like I was with him.
That lack of messages over that 2-3 day period is pretty normal now that I am looking at this from a clearer perspective.
(Saturday) 11 Days later 24/5/2025 : 9.24 am
We hadn't texted each other for the last 2 days, so I decided to reach out today wishing him a happy weekend.
He just left me on read.
It's nice to not be crushing on him anymore, so I no longer feel the sense of forlorn, now that sense of longing for a reply from him has been replaced with just annoyance from being ignored.
He is not someone I will want to think of having a chat with because he takes way too damn long to reply to my messages and when he does reply to my messages, it always feels like it was done very begrudgingly and not out of interest to actually want to chat with me, his messages tend to be very short and it is just really hard to actually have a conversation with him, because he is giving signals that he just doesn't want to chat.
I guess I should be grateful that he was still at least giving me like the bare minimum, or maybe it would have been better if he just told me he wasn't interested and we could just stop conversing entirely, like what he is doing right now
I swear the last 3 guys that I have spoke to on that stupid app (including him), that I thought had potential for something more, have been getting from bad to worst.
The first guy that I met, we had a good chemistry through text, and that brought my hopes up, only for it to be completely dashed when we met in real life and found out we don't vibe in person at all. He was a nice chap and the fault is my own for having way too high of an expectation.
The second guy that I almost met, we had set a time and date for our meet up, but then had to cancel it on the very same day we discussed to meet after he realized I didn't have any dating experience. But he wasn't the one who cancelled it, he was too much of a pussy to cancel it, so he made me feel bad about it by telling me I didn't have the experience he was looking for and that he feels pressured to meet me, essentially making me feel so uncomfortable that I ended up calling it off.
This third guy. It's probably the worst because of everything that I had to go through after meeting him. The first two were like ripping off a band aid, it's hurts at the start, but at least it was quick, this third guy, it's like I would rip off the band aid, only for him to come and reapply it back on, and then for me rip it off halfway and then reapplying it again, and with every rip and reapplication, the band aid gets dirtier and the wound gets more and more infected, so now all I am left is an infection that will take a longer time to heal.
He has become someone that I had a huge crush on to someone that just feels like a fucking infection.
I fucking hate the online dating.
(Saturday) 11 Days later 30/5/2025 : 10.00pm
I would receive random messages from him once every 2 - 3 days and it feels odd because I really wasn't expecting him to reach out anymore, but it seems like he is still putting in like some effort.
That effort is however giving me a lot of mixed signals.
I have stopped trying to reach out to initiate conversation anymore because he takes forever to reply, literally 2 - 3 days later, and when he does, it isn't anything substantial because just when I am thinking that we are getting some momentum with the conversation, he will just go MIA.
It's giving Time Traveler's Wife.
He told me he has plans to travel next month, so I asked him where he was travelling to, just out of curiosity and also to try and sustain the conversation, he doesn't share the country he is visiting, all he told me is...
"Hahahaha, I already booked in advance"
... he has this unwillingness to share this type of information with me and it just doesn't feel good.
This is information I would be willing to share with friends, in fact, I will probably share that kind of information freely with most people on the app who ask me, especially with someone I had already met in real life for a meal, so for him to feel the need to hold that back makes me feel like I am beneath "most people" in his eyes or does he think I will end up booking a ticket to travel to the same country with him like some stalker?
The vibe I am getting from him is that he is treating me like a back burner friend, someone that you keep around just in case you need a friend to chat with because your real friends don't have the time for you.
It's fucking irritating.
(Monday) 13 Days later 2/6/2025 : 5.20pm
He had actually texted me on Saturday to tell me he was sick, that was it, like an update on his well-being, that he wasn't doing very well.
I was at Felix's place at that time to help him with some stuff (side note: I am very happy to have reconnected with Felix), so I didn't reply immediately even though I saw it pop up on my notification. My petty self figured I should just give him a taste of his own medicine and take my time to reply.
When I finally did, which was around 4 hours later, I jokingly express how weak he was for constantly falling sick and asked him if it was because he was having too much chocolate or if it is due to work.
This motherfucker just left me on read.
If you are not going to reply to my message, then why the fuck did you even text me in the first place?
Anyways, today I decided to just reach out and ask him how he was holding up. I don't know why the fuck I did that because I have just set myself up for disappointment, this fucker is either going to take his own time to reply me, or he could potentially just leave me on read, and this is not about longing for a reply from him anymore, this is just my general disdain towards being ignored.
Sigh.
(Wednesday) 15 Days later 4/6/2025 : 5.10pm
I don't know why the fuck I am still updating this post because I shouldn't be investing anymore time with this guy but here goes another redundant update.
My last message asking him how he was holding up has been read and I have been left on read as predicted.
Fucker.
After having met up with Felix over the weekend, I can't help but compare the differences between how Felix engages with me in conversation, be it online or in person, and this Walking Red Flag, they are honestly day and night, one is actually really considerate, and the other is just, well, not.
Every time I start thinking of that Walking Red Flag, I will also think of Felix as well to help me wake up my fucking idea because why am I wasting so much of my time and feelings towards someone who isn't deserving of it, someone who isn't making clear of what his intentions are and is just leading me on.
Felix is just an overall sweet guy and it took meeting a whole bunch of not so great ones on the app like Walking Red Flag to help open up my eyes to it.
(Wednesday) 15 Days later 4/6/2025 : 8.10pm
I have since decided to delete my Telegram account, which has been the main app that the Walking Red Flag and I had been conversing on, because he is literally the only person that I am conversing with on that app, all my other conversations and chats with everyone else is pretty much dead, and since Walking Red Flag only messages me ever so sporadically and has left my last 2 messages on read , I just don't see the point in continue using it for him anymore.
I still follow him on Instagram, but I have decided to mute all his stories and post in order not to see them pop up on my feed, that being said, I won't be unfollowing him there because I still want to keep things amicable, just in case we ever run into each other on the street in the future, at least it won't be so awkward.
(Wednesday) 15 Days later 4/6/2025 : 10.20pm
It has been 4 days since Felix last texted me and I now find myself thinking about the Walking Red Flag (WRF) more than Felix. I guess it fluctuates, some days I will think of Felix more, other days I will think of WRF more.
My interested towards Felix has only grown stronger after we reconnected and I actually do want to see him more, but I don't know if he feels the same, but what I know for sure after hanging out with Felix over the weekend is that I definitely do not want to pursue anything more with WRF, even though I currently still have lingering feelings for him that I am trying to eliminate completely through the deletion of my Telegram account.
A part of why I deleted the account was out of spite, but another part of me wanted to deleted it so I can just properly move on without him sending me a text message that gives nothing, and interrupt my cold turkey process.
Sigh, I wish Felix would text me soon because I am really bored.
(Friday) 17 Days later 6/6/2025 : 5.30pm
This isn't about WRF anymore, but has evolved into an update about Felix... or really a lack of it.
His last text to me was on Sunday, the day after our meet up, and I had replied to him on the very same day, but he hasn't texted me back since and I am feeling a bit bumped out by it.
The inconsistent response rate is definitely giving me the same vibe that WRF was giving and I really do not like it because you just constantly feel like you have been ghosted, only for them to come back again and repeat that process, it feels horrible.
Felix would initially reply back to me once per day, and by reply I mean he would send me like paragraphs of text, so it was substantial messages, but then as the days went on, his response rate started dropping and it became once every 2 day to once every 3 -4 days and now it has been almost a whole week since he last texted me.
I dropped him a text today to check in on him, so we shall see if he would actually reply to me at all. I really hope he does because I really do enjoy chatting with him and had a really great time hanging out with him on Saturday. In fact, I would like to hang out with him a lot more if he would let me, but I also know I don't have the right to expect more from him after the way I had very suddenly cut him off completely after our first meet up back in November of last year.
It's a long story, but the fault for that initial cutting off was mine so I am really trying not to expect too much from him because I really do not have the right to.
I just hope he hasn't decided to play some long con by talking to me at the start, inviting me over to his place, and making me feel all hopeful about rekindling our friendship, only to cut me off like I did with him, not to say I wouldn't deserve it, but it would be quite a cruel plan.
Or maybe he has shared with his good friends about me and they have advised him to not engage with me anymore after the shit I did to him.
(Friday) 17 Days later 6/6/2025 : 7.30pm
I'm not going to lie, I was using Felix to distract myself from WRF at the beginning, but as the weeks progress, I don't know if I am still using Felix as a distraction from WRF or if I am genuinely interested in Felix and am looking forward to his messages because I have developed feelings for him.
I keep asking myself, if I hadn't met WRF, would I be feeling the way I am towards Felix. If WRF was not living at the back of my mind rent free, would I feel the way I am feeling towards Felix right now.
I wasn't attracted to Felix back when we first met in November last year, I enjoyed talking to him as a friend but I didn't want to pursue anything more, so why would that suddenly change now that we have reconnected? It doesn't really make sense.
I really wish I could just erase WRF from memory and just live in a reality where I did not know he existed because the knowledge of his existence and the feelings I had or am still having for him feels parasitical. If I could erase WRF from my memory, then I could look at the feelings I have towards Felix with a clearer mind.
I hate this. Why did I have to match with WRF? WHY?!?!?! To think I was so happy when WRF first matched with me on Hinge, now I just want to completely forget about him so I can move on with my life!
(Friday) 17 Days later 6/6/2025 : 11:55pm
Sigh, it seems Felix has decided to just not reply to me anymore, which I am a bit bumped out about.
The reason why I went ahead and deleted our chat in the beginning when I decided to cut him off last year, aside from me not being attracted to him then and not really sure where I wanted us to go, was actually because of something he did, and that was to have left me on read for a week.
I had been observing our Telegram chat at that time and I had replied to his latest message, albeit taking a bit longer than I usually would, but still within 24 hours, and he decided to just leave me on read after that, although to be fair to him, I had replied to his messages with the no intention of sustaining any future conversations, so they were very dry and cut responses.
Maybe he has suddenly remembered how he felt when I had first cut him off, so he has decided to cut me off.
But whatever the case, I am glad that I did get a chance to talk to him again, even if it was short-lived, at least now I feel better about it because it is not a good feeling to have been the one who ended things so abruptly, it comes with a lot of guilt, especially when the other person was so sweet.
Let's hope Felix was indeed just a distraction for me and I won't take him ghosting me as hard as I did with WRF.
(Saturday) 18 Days later 7/6/2025 : 11:44am
Sigh. Saturdays are now becoming a reminder of how lonely I am and Felix's decision to ignore my messages have really made it so much worst.
I am glad we reconnected, but I am not happy with this sudden decision to ghost me, his response rate is now the same as WRF and I really do not want to go through that shit again.
It was a bad idea to have treated Felix as a distraction, I fucked up and now this whole thing is fucking me up.
(Saturday) 18 Days later 7/6/2025 : 9:30pm
The day just went from bad to worst.
I actually texted WRF on Instagram because Felix wasn't replying back and I was so bored out of my fucking mind.
I told WRF I had deleted my Telegram, but he could still text me on Instagram if he would like to continue chatting. I "unsend" that message about a few minutes later because my plan from the beginning was to disengage with WRF, that's the whole reason why I deleted my Telegram.
Hours pass, I got really depressed from just how lonely my life is in general, so I send WRF a text on Instagram again and asked him how his weekend was, and that I was fucking bored, I had hoped that he would see that and then maybe reply back, unsurprisingly, he didn't reply to my message because it's WRF, he only replies when he wants to at his convenience like the selfish inconsiderate fuck that he is.
I think I left this message up for a bit longer, maybe about an hour before I snapped out of it and chose to "unsend" it again, I am not sure if WRF has his Instagram Notifications turned on because it would have been an odd sight to see my username keep popping up and then disappearing.
I did send Felix a message earlier this evening to check in and asked him if everything was alright on his end because I really wasn't sure what was going on with him. I really need to know what he is thinking because during our meeting last weekend, I could sense that we both definitely enjoyed each other's company and I could sense genuine interest from his side, especially when I compared it to my meet up with WRF, so to have him just ghost me for almost a week feels really odd.
I really hope he can reply back to me soon because my head has just been feeling so bloated with thoughts about him and WRF, but more about him. WRF has now taken a backseat in my mind, he is still there though, which is fucking annoying and I can't wait to just be rid of him completely.
If Felix ends up ghosting me permanently, I think I might actually lose my mind.
I need professional help!
(Monday) 20 Days later 9/6/2025 : 4:52pm
Felix finally texted me back on Sunday!
He apologized for the late reply and we ended up chatting pretty much the entire day from morning to evening, it's like he is compensating for the lack of messages for the past week and I appreciate it so much.
I really can't help but compare the difference in quality of the chat between Felix and WRF, one is actually interested to chat, whereas the other has been giving absolutely nothing. When WRF apologized for not reaching out and texted me back, he only gave me about 3 measly text 2 days later that was as good as nothing, it was literally...
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"Haha"
...and I was gobbling that shit up and being so grateful that he was making an effort, then when I tried to start a conversation by replying almost immediately, he would exchange maybe like 2 -3 more times and then go MIA again, he won't make any effort to sustain the conversation, it's like a student coming into class to mark his attendance and then leaving maybe 5 minutes into lesson, it's really the barest of minimum.
Just thinking about it now is so infuriating
Right now, I just have so much gratitude towards Felix and I really hope we can sustain whatever we have going on right now.
(Monday) 20 Days later 9/6/2025 : 6.00pm
I went to revert the Instagram Messenger theme with WRF to a normal white background because I had previously switched it to a ""I'm bored, talk to me" AI Theme.
What I didn't realize was switching our Messaging Theme on Instagram Messenger would actually send that person a notification, that means he probably saw me update the theme hoping for us to have a chat, but he still didn't bother to actually chat with me.
kthxbye.
Now he is probably gonna see me switch it back to a white theme and I'm annoyed that Instagram would actually send that as notification to the other person because that wasn't what I was trying to do, he really didn't need to know that I had changed the theme at all. It reeks of desperation, like I am trying to get his attention
(Monday) 20 Days later 9/6/2025 : 10.00pm
I have officially unfollowed him.
It's time to move the fuck on!
I may regret this a few hours from now or a few days from today, but I know it is the right thing to do because to still be following him would mean I am still clinging on to something that isn't there. Seeing more of him on my feed will only upset me further so it is time for him to GTFO of it, I have also proceeded to unfollowed a few other guys I met on Hinge as well that I know I will never interact with anymore in the future.
I had actually been doomscrolling through his Instagram Profile earlier this evening, just to see out how over him I was and if looking at his photos would bring back any feelings, treating it like some form of litmus test.
It did, a little, but it wasn't as strong as how it had felt weeks ago, so I scrolled further, and further, I started going so far down the timeline of his Instagram photos that I actually came across photos of him with one of his ex-partner from 2017. They had their arms around each other's shoulder, their faces full of smiles, it was a birthday post WRF had dedicated to his then partner and it made me jealous, I opened the comments and I see the ex's message to him still there...
"Love you to the end and back *a lot of heart emojis*
... and all I could think in my head was fuck them both, I mean it's not a nice thought to have, but seeing them express their love for each other made me upset. And then I think about them already broken up and suddenly that message feels more like a painful reminder for WRF...
I guess he went to the end and never came back in 2018
HAHAHAHA!
I'm an asshole.
I am envious of his ex, and really all his exes, for being able to experience the affectionate version of WRF, the one that I had envisioned in my head that I know didn't exist for me, I had the piece of shit "I'm a horrible texter but really I am just not that interested in you, but I am still going to continue stringing you along" version.
I had the one with the defective firmware, the buggy update that probably came from the stress of work and maybe a bunch of not so great relationships before that that screwed him over mentally.
I actually googled his name once during my crazy infatuation phase for him and came across a very short 11 minute podcast he did with someone where he talked about his sexuality as a Malay guy growing up in a Muslim family.
It was an interesting listen because I actually learned so much about him through the podcast, I learned that that he had been outed by his brother and made to go to Muslim conversion therapy classes by his Mum, I also found out through his podcast that he had seriously contemplated suicide a few years back but then decided not to go through with it because he realize he had so much to live for. It was one of those "light at the end of the tunnel" type of story. I found all that about him through a podcast and ended up knowing more about him than he was willing to share with me.
You can let yourself be so vulnerable to the world by going on a public podcast to talk about all this trauma (although to be fair, the podcast only had 20 views) but am so reserved when it comes to sharing even the most basic information about yourself to me like your upcoming travel plans, among other things. Which is why I keep saying I really do not know this guy at all on a personal level because he does not want to share any information with me aside from his unhealthy eating habits, thus his current skinny fat physique When I go through periods of forlorn for him, it's not for the version of him that I barely know, but the version of him I had conjured in my mind and also that version of him that I had chatted with during our first week, the one who was constantly showering me with messages and video notes, which I know is only because he was actually bored and had all the time in the world to do that.
Asswipe.
Anyways, what triggered me to finally unfollow him is because I was scrolling through TikTok and I came across this video of 2 guys being affectionate to one another, it reminded me of the picture I saw of WRF and his ex-partner and it made me upset, if I had unfollowed WRF sooner, I wouldn't have had the itch to scroll so far down his Instagram feed to see that cursed post and I wouldn't have gotten so upset.
SO GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE!
I did not remove him from my follower's list, so he is still following me and can see my insta-stories when I post.
To follow or unfollow me will be his decision to make, it's not something I will be making for anyone anymore because I don't have the rights to do that.
The fact that I had actually done that to Felix in the past for something I wouldn't even do to WRF now, and the fact that Felix has chosen to keep in touch with me after I reached out to reconnect despite that and maintain a very healthy conversation with me blows my mind when I actually think about it.
(Tuesday) 21 Days later 10/6/2025 : 12.11pm
I find myself still reaching for my phone and opening Instagram out of habit, But I also quickly remember I will no longer be seeing anything related to him now that I have officially unfollowed him.
Even if my fingers were itchy and I ended up searching his username, it would be pointless because his account is private , so I wouldn't be able to see his post or any of his insta-stories anymore even if I am tempted to, which is exactly what I need, a complete ban from him, no photos, no videos, I really shouldn't be blogging about him as well, but I need an outlet to express myself since I am not comfortable talking about any of this to my friends yet.
I am satisfied at this moment with my choice to unfollow him and restrict any access to his content because every time I see his photos, it takes me a few steps back from this whole process of trying to completely get over him.
(Wednesday) 22 Days later 11/6/2025 : 10.20pm
I am no longer feeling long periods of sadness anymore, it still comes and goes, but they are in bouts and do not happen that often anymore. Unfollowing him was definitely the right move and being able to chat with Felix on a daily basis through Whatsapp has helped tremendously, I'm not sure if Felix has any sort of romantic feelings for me, but I know he makes me feel appreciated.
It is really hard getting over WRF because throughout my 35 years on this Earth, he was the only person that I had fallen for that I truly thought I could have had a chance with, I mean we met on a dating app, I was looking for a partner, when I first came across his profile on Hinge, I immediately took a liking to him, and he was the only profile on the app that I had wished would actually like me back, so when he actually matched with me and initiated conversation, it gave me butterflies and we clicked so quickly during the first few days of chatting, it was an instant connection.
That version of him that I had matched up and chatted with during our first week was the version of him that I fell for, the one who replied to my messages consistently and kept asking me to chat with him like a needy partner, the one who would talk about doing couple things, who would do things like sending me video notes of himself doing random stuff consistently, I mean I would open a video note from him and it would start with him sticking a finger up his nose and giving me a funny expression, he was honestly so fun during that first week of chatting and it's hard not to fall for that version of him.
But that version was short lived, when he came back to Singapore from his family trip and started going back to work, he was completely different and that version of him is the one that I have been blogging about, the one that is "too busy with work" to even bother.
Maybe if he wasn't in his current line of work, if he wasn't so stressed out by his day to day job responsibilities, and if that version of him that I had fallen for was the actual version of him, we could have worked something out. I do wonder if any of his exes had met him for the first time under the same circumstances as me now, where he is so caught up with work and have no time for anything else, would they have been able to get together or would it also be the same outcome that I am now facing.
I really do need to stop thinking about all this "What if" scenarios in my head because it really isn't helping with the moving on part, this is what happens when you are a chronic overthinker.
Truth to be told, I don't think I will ever be able to completely get over him because to me, I would consider him my first love, the first person that I truly felt like I would have had a chance to be with, but at the same time, I will also forever hold a sliver of resentment towards him as well for introducing me to my very first heartbreak, all within the span of 1 month, at the age of 35 years old.
(Thursday) 23 Days later 12/6/2025 : 11.56am
My conversation with Felix is slowly starting to taper off, not out of disinterest but I think we have been texting a bit too frequently and are running out of new topics to discuss.
It is nice chatting with him, but maybe doing it daily has it's limits.
The thought of WRF still permeates occasionally, I feel like I am going through a bit of withdrawal at the moment from him, even though the last time he texted me was the end of last month when I was at Felix's place, which was about 2 weeks back, and the last time I texted him was well, last week. a total of 4 times on 3 different days, twice on Instagram which I ended up unsending, and then twice before that on Telegram, which he had left me on read!
I need to focus on the negatives and stop thinking of the "what if" scenarios in my head as I navigate this withdrawal period, this period isn't as painful as the last time when I was still actively, but very sporadically, chatting with him, so I believe it will only get better from here on out.
(Thursday) 23 Days later 12/6/2025 : 2.15pm
Well, this is bad.
Now that the chat with Felix is tapering off, my mind no longer has that distraction and I find myself thinking of WRF even though I know I shouldn't.
I keep thinking about how if I had not deleted my Telegram chat, it would still keep the conversation between us open.
I keep thinking about how if I had not unfollowed him on Instagram, I could still be interacting with his occasional Insta-story post.
I want to tell him how I feel, just to let everything off my chest.
(Thursday) 23 Days later 12/6/2025 : 5.28pm
I just dropped him a very long text on Instagram Messenger and confessed my feelings as well as my desire to move on from him.
At the end of the message, I also wrote that he didn't need to reply, because no reply is also a form of reply and if there is no reply, I will take it as what I have expressed about his lack of interest in me to be true and will take that as a way for me to properly move on from him.
(Thursday) 23 Days later 12/6/2025 : 9.30pm
He replied back to me at 7pm as I was walking home, he told me he hadn't read my message yet because he is still busy with work, and then apologized for not keeping in touch because of work.
When he told me he hadn't read it yet, a part of me wondered if I made the right choice telling him in that confession text that I was planning to move on from him. I think I did because that is what I want to do, to move on, my main purpose for sending the text to him is for a proper closure, to tell him how I feel about him, and then move on.
It has been an extremely emotionally draining month for me thanks to him and I really need to get out of this funk I am in.
I contemplated what to reply to him and as I was taking a shower and thinking about it, I just became really emotional, I was pretending having to have a conversation with him and releasing all the pent up feelings that I had for him and all the sadness that he had put me through from his inactions until I just started tearing up.
I think a part of me still yearns for him, that's why seeing his reply after I had made the mental decision to forget about him by unfollowing him on Instagram and deleting our Telegram chat, just reopened the pandora box of feelings that I had been trying to repress.
I did eventually text him back and told him if he wasn't in the right headspace to deal with my text right now, that he is under no pressure to reply to me, which he has read. I know there is a very high chance he might not reply to the message, and because I really do not want to be left hanging, I wrote this at the end of the the message...
No reply is in itself also a reply, so please don't feel obligated to text back if you don't want to, I will still get the message loud and clear.
... it is an ultimatum, if you are interested to continue whatever we have, then you can reply back to me once you have read the message, but if you do not want to, then you can just leave me on read.
The logical side of me feels like he will either send me an apology text and ask me to move on or not reply at all to let me move on because he is clearly not in the right mental space to be in a relationship with anyone right now, but there is also another part of me, the one that still has feelings for him, that wishes he would also have some feelings for me, choose to be selfish and wishes to continue for us to stay in touch to try and work things out.
I think whatever happens next will either be the official end of whatever confusing mixed signal bullshit we have going on right now or the beginning of something else.
Whatever it is, I can now find solace in knowing that I have confessed and will not be leaving anything up to my own assumption anymore.
(Friday) 24 Days later 13/6/2025 : 10.16am
I have now been thrown back into a state of depression.
After sending that confession message to WRF yesterday and expressing my desire to get over him, I really thought I will feel so much better, but now I just feel worst because I had just thrown away 2 weeks of cold turkey progress from that quick exchange with him yesterday
(Friday) 24 Days later 13/6/2025 : 2.59pm
I have no mood to do anything, I just felt so empty the entire morning when I came into work, but my mind also felt extremely heavy at the same time, I kept thinking about the message I had send to WRF, the reply he send to me before he even read the message, and the "read" sign under the last message I had send to him telling him to not feel the need to reply if he wasn't in the right head space.
This state that I am in always happens the day after he text me back, just pure sadness and there is nothing much I can do about it. I have searched on Google to see if this was normal, if getting depressed after talking to your crush is something that happens and thankfully, there are people who also experience this.
I know it isn't healthy and there are comments telling us to not get too attached and try not to let it affect us that much.
Do you think it is that easy to not let it affect me that much? If I could let it not affect me that much, I would, but I can't control how I feel, like how I can't control the way I feel towards WRF. I have confessed my feelings to him, but also told him I wanted to move on from him, all within the same vein without giving him the opportunity to share his feelings with me.
He could, if he wanted to, especially if he also had feelings for me, to be honest, after seeing how he actually replied to me after seeing a huge wall of text, I do feel like if the circumstances had been different, if his work hadn't been so mentally draining and demanding, we could have had a lot more chats and maybe meet up more often.
(Friday) 24 Days later 13/6/2025 : 6.13pm
I'm now overwhelmed with sadness again and I really don't know how to process all this feelings. It's the weekend tomorrow and I know I am going to be at home, just overthinking about WRF all over again and re-reading the long text message I had send him yesterday, analyzing and wishing I could have worded them differently, to give him a chance to also express how he feels about me and keep the option about us and where we will go from here on out open.
I told him I didn't need him to reply if he didn't want to, but I really want him to reply, I want to know how he feels, I want him to word it out for me letter by letter, I really want him to communicate with me.
Felix did not message me today and I don't really expect him to, I feel like he has texted me plenty this week and we have simply ran out of topics to talk about. He needs a break from one me, texting on the daily can be too much for anyone, especially with how substantial our messages are.
I feel bad saying this, but I could have really used Felix's messages today to distract me from the thoughts of WRF
(Friday) 24 Days later 13/6/2025 : 8.05pm
I felt genuinely overwhelmed this evening when I got home from work. I really need someone to talk to about all this, but I am looking through my contacts and I realize I don't have anyone I feel comfortable sharing all this information with, sharing how I feel and letting all this feelings out.
(Saturday) 25 Days later 14/6/2025 : 8.30am
I need professional help. I will go talk to a General Practitioner and hopefully be able to get a referral letter to see a Mental Health Professional because the level of sadness that I felt last night, it was genuinely concerning.
Seriously, fuck WRF, he really didn't reply to my message after he read the whole chunk of it. I know I wrote in the message that he didn't have to if he didn't want to, but it would have been nice to at least drop a courtesy message of some sort like.
There is really only 3 answers to this...
Yes, I am interested in you as well.
No, I am not interested in you.
Unsure, I have a lot of my mind so I don't know what I am looking for right now.
... but he really just left me on read. I knew he has horrible communication skills, so this shouldn't come as a big surprise, but he really isn't giving me the closure that I needed, he has left me hanging... YET AGAIN! The only upside to this is I have shared how I feel, so that is at least now off my chest.
(Saturday) 25 Days later 14/6/2025 : 6.16pm
I visited the GP to get a referral to see a mental health specialist.
I should not have texted him on Thursday, it just made everything so much worst! Now I feel so much sadness in my heart, the only upside to this is I have confessed my feelings to him, so now he knows how I feel and the lack of reply from his side is also very telling how he views me, which is with a lack of respect.
Felix hasn't texted me since Thursday, and has actively ignored all the comments I have been sending him on Instagram Stories. I can't see his "read" status on my messages because he switched them off, so I don't know if he is actively ignoring them or he has a lot of messages on the app and doesn't want to go through them yet.
I really need a good cry.
(Saturday) 25 Days later 14/6/2025 : 9.55pm
The plan to get over WRF cold turkey style was making me extremely depress, so I have decided to try another method.
I texted him again.
I told him to ignore how I had planned to get over him because doing it cold turkey the way I had originally intended wasn't working, so what I will do instead is still continue keeping in touch with him by sending him funny videos I find on the internet every once in a while.
He can choose to see them, or choose to ignore them, that's his choice, but either way, it allows me to
interact" with him, and the plan right now is to keep interacting with him one-sidedly until I eventually get over him, which I believe I will if done this way. I will eventually get bored and then be able to properly move on from him. He is probably never gonna text me back, so if he finds what I am doing annoying, or if he finds me being way too weird about this whole thing, which I guess I am, then he can block me, and if he blocks me, then at least I can get confirmation that he is genuinely not interested anymore.
I can't move on right now because again, there is no answer from him after my text, he left me on read and didn't reply, which I told him he could do if he wanted to because I can accept that as an answer by itself, that he is not interested, but the problem is he is still following me on my account, and that is what is throwing me off about this whole thing. This is what I mean by him sending me mixed signals.
I think this method of trying to get over him might take longer, but it's not as painful and I may not have to take my anti-depressants for this. But we shall see how tomorrow goes, who knows, I might go ape shit and start bitching about how he didn't reply me and how I would have preferred to have some form of acknowledgement.
I'm nuts.
I honestly wish I could just call him and have a proper chat, but that would be expecting way too much from him, and I know it is much better for my mental well-being not to expect anything from him.
(Sunday) 26 Days later 15/6/2025 : 8.10am
I unsend the text before he could read it last night, it was a desperate attempt from me to incite some sort of reaction from him and I knew I just screwed myself over again because every time I text him, I will feel horrible for the next few days.
Engaging with him is like taking drugs, you know it is not good for you and you know you will feel like shit afterwards, but you take it anyway, just a hit of it, thinking all you need is just that small hit to tide you through the day, but it doesn't work, no matter how small the dosage, it will make you feel like complete shit regardless.
I woke up this morning feeling just that, but as I tried to find the cause of it, I realize that, sure, if he replied back, I will feel better, it might make my weekend, but then at the end of the day, there is still this huge underlying problem, the main reason for this overwhelming sense of grief.
It's the lack of anything to do in my life.
I have nothing in my life that brings me any joy and excitement anymore, everything is just stagnant, I am going through the motion of life and I can't seem to find a way out of it. WRF and Felix, especially Felix, were just distraction and I really need to find a way to deal with this sadness in my life that has been exacerbated by my over reliance on the attention of both WRF and Felix.
What I need is are things to look forward to in life.
I need a sense of purpose.
I need a healthy circle of friends.
I need to have activities to keep my mind busy.
I have none of those.
I want to look for a new job, be in a company with a healthy number of colleagues that I can talk to and make plans with.
I want to join an exercise class on the weekends to keep my body healthy and my mind busy, to be able to connect with new people and expand my social circle.
I could apply for volunteer work, to help others and in the process, feel good about myself.
(Sunday) 26 Days later 15/6/2025 : 10.57am
I dropped Felix a Good Morning text, hoping he could reply and we can continue chatting, but it seems like he has really decided to take a break from messaging me.
The last message I send to him on Thursday is still unread, and my Instagram messages to him have also not been replied to. I could feel his replies starting to taper off on Thursday, he didn't reply to all my messages, only some of them, it's as if he is trying to cut down to topics that we have going on.
He told me he doesn't check his Instagram much, that's why messaging him there won't illicit any quick responses, but I have been replying to his stories that he is updating pretty regularly, that means he is opening up his Instagram, he sees my messages, but is actively just ignoring it, I am pretty sure the same goes for the Whatsapp messages as well. He doesn't click into it.
I shouldn't have placed so much reliance on Felix to distract me from WRF, because I think this is just a repeat of what was happening last week, both of them stopped talking to me and I just felt very empty.
(Sunday) 26 Days later 15/6/2025 : 3.28pm
The wave of sadness keeps coming and going, coming and going.
Felix hasn't texted me back since Thursday, I have reacted to 2 of his Instagram stories to no reply, send him 2 text this morning on Whatsapp to no reply.
I could really use a single reply from him to feel better, just single text is all I need.
Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? Now that I have given up on WRF, I am suddenly pining all my hopes and feelings of validation on Felix, FML, this depression sucks!
(Monday) 27 Days later 16/6/2025 : 3.29pm
I went for Therapy earlier this morning and was able to talk my feelings out, it helped to have someone listen to me and offer advice.
I referred to WRF as Walking Red Flag and Felix as Felix to the therapist when I was running through this whole experience with her and she essentially asked me if I can trust Walking Red Flag, I didn't understand what she meant at first, but as I was thinking about it, I told her I don't think I can and then it kinda clicked, I can't trust him because he is actually a very selfish individual who is prioritizing his own feelings above mine, and if I wanted to commit to someone, there needs to be compatibility, which is something I don't have with WRF, but with Felix however, there is compatibility, and she sort of hinted that I would have a much stronger relationship with Felix compared to WRF.
To be honest, this is something I am aware of, but to hear her verbalise it, and for it to be from someone else's voice, it really helped me.
She told me I probably do not have depression, I just have an anxious personality, and what I had been was obsessive, which I guess is the reason why Felix hasn't texted me back since Thursday because of how much texting we have been doing ever since we reconnected, I was sapping a lot of his energy and he needs that break from me, I think he may have actually archived and muted my chat on both Whatsapp and Instagram, especially Instagram because of how he had completely ignored my comments on his stories.
I deleted all the messages I had send him over the weekend because I think I really need to give him a break from me, I am feeling a bit bumped out that he had to resort to archiving my chat and muting me on Instagram because I really don't know how long he is going to do that for, and if he will ever engage with me again.
The therapist said I need to hold my brakes, so I shall and not reach out to Felix for a while, hopefully he will come back and chat with me soon, but it has to be at his time and not mine. So I just need to slowly push him out of my mind, and find distractions elsewhere.
